Entry Date: Monday, May 23, 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Title: Please see me through my tears

Message:

You asked, “How are you doing?” As I told you, tears came to my eyes. . .and you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given drained away.

“How am I doing?” . . . I do
better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two.

These feelings are indescribable.
If you’ve never felt them you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, when I’m ignored, I am again alone with them. Your attention means more than you can know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They’re nature’s way of helping me to heal. . .They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness. . . but it doesn’t work that way. The memory of my loved one’s absence is with me, only a thought away.

My tears make my loss more visible to you, but you did not cause this sadness, it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, and you don’t need to do a thing but be here for me.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you’ve helped me. You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient. . .do not fear.

Listening with your heart to “how I am doing” validates what I am going through, for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.

I’ll cry for a minute or two, then I’ll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing in a while.

When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots. . . because I’m trying to protect you from my tears.

Then we both hurt. Me, because my feelings are held inside, causing pain and a shield against our closeness. You, because suddenly we’re emotionally distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears. . .then we can be close again.