Entry Date: Tuesday, June 4, 2005
Location: Vermont
Title: Every day

Message:

Every day I look for you. I am constantly looking for signs that you are still around me and that you are watching over me. I wish that this had never happened to you mom and that I could still have you to talk to. I realize that I can still talk to you but it’s never as good as being able to say it face to face. I visit your grave every so often and every time I just think about the long struggle you had and how you never complained about why this happened to you and why things worked out this way. Now that it has been almost a year it seems hard to believe that you aren’t with us still. I feel I lose track of what things were and could have been. You were the glue for this family and I miss you every day.

Dad is so in love with you still but realizes that life must go on. He has found someone and has asked her to marry him. It seems hard to believe. We haven’t spoken much about you lately and I realize that you wanted him to move on with his life, but didn’t you realize you were his life. You were all of our lives. You made this family and you helped us all learn. I can’t imagine not having you in my life at all. I have realized that everything happens for a reason but why this and why now. As this month goes on day by day I find it harder and harder.

This is the anniversary of your death and its hard to image a whole year has passed since you did. Things have changed so much in all our lives and we have grown so much as a family. Heather and I finally get along! I realized this was something you always wanted to see for yourself, but now you can look down on us and smile from above. It’s amazing to think that you may come back one day and we may meet again. I will know when it happens and it will feel just right.

These are supposed to be happy times but at this point I have felt very anxious and nervous about things going on. Heathers only a few weeks again from having Reilly and you won’t be able to meet this beautiful new life and you will never be able to hold her. She’s going to be an amazing little thing with many good memories I hope. I will make sure Heather and I tell little miss Reilly many stories about you and what you taught us. You were such an inspiration and I love you so much. Find me and I will always be searching for you. Love always, your little lo.